The Friday Funnies

We begin this Friday with two ethnic jokes.
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ………

“What . … . … .. You’re coming empty handed!?”
_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated …38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up!’ “?

… next up, “Ol’ Petrol Head” supplies us with this nugget of knowledge:

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex – right now!
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

… and now, “Ol’ Petrol Head” gives us the origin of a well-known term:

I thought you would enjoy this educational moment. Can you name this strange device? Do you know what it is?

Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit (1750s – 1810s)

The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.

A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum.
The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.

Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your arse.”
As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by all levels of government.

… next up, “Ol’ Petrol Head” asks …
Don’t you love Australia?