• Stubborn Men!
(Hat tip: “R.H.” and everyone else who sent this!)
… which of course brings us to …
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men
… which in turn connects us to …
• Golf and the Cow
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, ‘What happened to YOU?’
‘Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse. Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’
‘I don’t remember much after that!’
• Only A Comcast Customer Would Understand This:
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
• Snow In Ireland
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
On a bitterly cold winter morning, Paddy and his wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”.
So Paddy went out and moved his car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”.
The good man went out in the bitter cold and moved his car again.
The next week, they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the power went out. (See, it happens there too.)
Paddy was very upset, and with a worried look on his face said to his wife: “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”
Then with the love and understanding in her voice that all married women exhibit, she replied:
“Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
… “Ol’ Petrol Head” also supplies us with this tale of …
• Irish Public Works
Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
… now, “Ol’ Petrol Head” brings to our attention the story of …
• Murphy, the Irish Portrait Painter
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in
County Clare,to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a Rolls-royce and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned.
“T’ would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said. “The wife says it’s okay.
I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”
A guy was driving down the motorway with his blonde girlfriend when she piped up, “I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales”.
“Why do you think that ?” he said.
“Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says ‘stit ruoy su wohs’.”
Our Lawyer Joke du Jour is sponsored by the
Law Offices of Bull & Lifschitz
A stingy old attorney, who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased attorney’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
• I Worked For This Guy Once
(The Continuing Series)
• This Week’s Walmartian
• The Walmart Car Show
• McDonald’s Street Sign?
(Hat tip: “R.H.” and everyone else who sent this)
… and that brings us to …
• Freaks of Fast Food, They Escaped From The Walmart Parking Lot Edition
… while we are on the subject of food, we have these …
• Culinary Tips from Prof. Steven Hayward
… which calls our attention to this pressing problem:
• You Had ONE Job to Do
(Hat tip: “Dr. Mc”)
• Some people …
(Hat tip: “R.H.”)
• Separated at Birth
• Time for a New Dentist!
(Hat tip: “Dr. Mc”)
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
‘YES. YES, I DID.. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLE-FACED, FAT-@$$ED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SO AND SO ASKED, “WHAT DID YOU TEACH?”
… and now, “Ol’ Petrol Head” provides us with this transition from the Dentists’ chair to this discussion of …
• Cosmetic Surgery
Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you. I’m getting a boob-job.”
The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my arse-hole bleached!”
“Oh! dear!” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
… and THAT leads us to this example of …
• The Decline of the English Language, She Has To Be A Real Dog Edition
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)
… while on the subject of language, “A. Nonymous” calls our attention to …
• Mechanics’ Terminology, The Joy of Daughters Edition
The daughter asks her father, “Dad, there’s something that my boyfriend said to me
that I didn’t understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”
Her Dad replied, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”