Dedicated to The Friday Funnies Staff Neurologist and Resident Irishman, “Dr. Mc”

 THE END IS NEAR!
(Hat tip: “Dr. Mc”)

Sean is the Vicar of a Protestant parish in Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the Priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

“THE END IS NEAR! TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!”

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone, you religious nutters! We don’t need your lectures!”

From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.” “Yaa,” Sean agrees, then adds, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say “BRIDGE CLOSED”?
Two Irish Hunters
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly, “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

… which brings us to …

Irish Massacre
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

The Stranded Irishman
(Hat tip: “A. Nonymous”)

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?” “Ten years!” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit & pulled out a fresh package of cigars & a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, & took a long drag. “Faith & begorrah!” said the castaway. “Ah, that is so good! I’d forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years!”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there & removed a flask & handed it to him. He opened the flask & took a long drink. “‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man & asked, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?” With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary & Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

The Mirror

Irish Divorce
(Hat tip: “Joe P.”)

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law,
Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.”What
happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my
wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get
home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked
with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! ‘T’is unforgivable, ‘t’is! The end of
our marriage, ‘t’is! I’m done! I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There
is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately
and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple
explanation……………

She never got your email!”

More Irish Jokes!
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

• Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared!

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

Paddy was in New York … He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Paddy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!

Three Men Were Sitting In A Pub
(Another tip ‘o th’ hat to “B-Squared”)

 

Three men were sitting in a pub bragging to each other how they had set their new wives straight on their married duties.

The first man had married a woman from Sweden, and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes, laundry, and house cleaning that needed doing in their new house. He said it took a couple of days of not seeing much done, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, laundry done, and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had told his wife that she was to do all the dishes, laundry, house cleaning, and cooking. He told them on the first day he didn’t see any results, the next day was a little better, and on the third day all was done and he had a hot meal on the table waiting for him.

The third man married a Irish woman……………

He bragged that he had told his wife that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the laundry washed and ironed, the lawn mowed, the car washed, three hot meals a every day, and when he was coming home from work to have a pint waiting for him when he walked in the door. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye!

(Yes, the ladies in the audience vote with the Irish wife!)

An Irishman’s First Drink With His Son
(One more tip ‘o th’ hat to “B-Squared”)

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style. He didn’t like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could hardly push the stroller back home.

More St. Paddy’s Day Humor

… Supplied for us by “B-Squared” …

… speaking of Irish pubs, “Dr. Mc” advises us that the following event took place in NORTHERN Ireland given the proximity of the brothel to the pub:

IRISH CATHOLICS DON’T SIN!!

 

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, idly chatting and watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

They see the local Baptist pastor appear, knock on the door and quickly go inside.

“Would you look at that!” exclaims the first Irishman. “Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites those Baptists are?”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the brothel door, knocks, and also disappears inside.

“Dere’s another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and silly hats!”

They continue drinking while roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their local Catholic priest knock on the brothel door.

“Ah, now dat’s sad,” says the third Irishman, “One of the girls must have died.”

This Week’s Walmartian
St. Paddy’s Day Edition!

That wraps it up for this Friday – Tune in again next Friday!