Hugh Jass’s 13 Points of Wisdom

The Friday Funnies’ resident philosopher, Hugh Jass, has these points for us to ponder today.
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

• The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

• My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

• The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

• My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 lbs I’ve gained since then.

• I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

• The speed with which a woman says “nothing”, when asked “What’s wrong?”, is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that’s coming.

• Denny’s has a slogan, ‘If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.’ If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday … Your life stinks!

• On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had NO idea I was Japanese!

• I can’t understand why women are okay that J C Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor”.

• I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

• What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

• Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

• The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course, Opie – all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

… another observation:

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It is in the Friday Funnies contract with “B-Squared” that he supply us with examples of
• Why Women Live Longer Than Men

“B-Squared” also brings us this …
• Protest du Jour

• Snark du Jour

• Groaner du Jour
(“B-Squared” gets the blame for this, too …)

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?”

The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

… next up, via “A. Nonymous” is our …
• Blonde Joke du Jour

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says,
“Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,”replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing.
“We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.”
And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

“What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

… Maxine has a question concerning lawyers:

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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• Separated at Birth