Hat tip to “Joe P” and “Dr. Mc” for today’s theme!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”
Larry replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?”
The father replied. “Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.”
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“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the Divorce Court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.”
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
He remains in intensive care.
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The burial had barely finished when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…
The little old man looked up at the priest and calmly said, “Well, she’s arrived!”

-00OO00-

• Super Bowl Tickets!

A neighbor of mine just won two tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl, everything included: airfare, hotel, etc., but the game is being played on the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go.

If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St. Peter’s Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name’s Louise. She’s 5’4″, about 125 lbs, good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She’ll be wearing a white dress

• Cranky Old Man
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

A very cranky man “in his senior years” was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. He gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

He complained and criticized everything and everyone through out the process.

When he appeared before the judge, the judge asked him what he had stolen from the store.

He defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”

The judge then asked why he had done it.

He replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”

The judge asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

He replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”

The judge answered patiently, “Well, because I’m going to give you nine days in jail – one day for each peach.”

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the man’s long-suffering wife raised her hand slowly and asked if she might speak.

The judge said, “Yes, m’am, what do you have to add?”

The wife said meekly, “Your Honor, he also stole two cans of peas.”

• No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious ma• nner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

• Blonde Joke du Jour

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?”
The agent replies, “Just a minute.”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.

• Snark du Jour

• Pun du Jour

• Just Say It!

• Redneck Murder Mystery

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

• Recovering From Surgery

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“Oops!”

• Contenders for the Parent of the Year Award
(Hat tip: “A. Nonymous”)

We’ve run this series previously, but it’s time for a replay! The image below was taken on Cannery Row in Monterey, California.