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St. Paddy’s Day Edition!

Dedicated to the Friday Funnies Staff Neurologist and Resident Irishman, “Dr. Mc”!

Tips of the hat to all who have contributed to this edition!

“Dr. Mc” sends us this:
“Beannacht ai naomh Padraig oraibh”
(pronounced “Banoktee Nave Pawrig urrey”)
translated as

“The Blessings of St. Patrick be upon you!”

Who Knew That Ben Franklin Was Irish?

Quote from Franklin’s “Poor Richard’s Almanac”: “There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.”

… and with that, we’re off and running with our annual St. Paddy’s Day Edition of The Friday Funnies!

  Important Geography Lesson:

(… not to mention that this is the Pun du Jour … )

 Mary Clancy’s Husband Died

Mary Clancy went up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday Mass, and she’s in tears.

Father O’Grady asked, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She replied, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest said, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She said, “That he did, Father.”

The priest asked, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She replied, “He said, ‘Mary, put that damned gun down! …'”

Potatoes and Ireland

The Saturday Night Bath in Dublin:

 Voted Best Joke In Ireland

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

Training To Be An Irishman

Terrible Flooding In Ireland

If this doesn’t tug at your heartstrings nothing will!

We’ve all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka, New Orleans, and Iowa.

This ‘award-winning’ photograph of the recent flood waters rising in Ireland captures the horror and suffering there!

The press never seems to print these photos in our newspapers.

Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers.

The Curse of Surgery

Paddy says to Mick, “I’m getting circumcised tomorrow.”

Mick says, “I had that done when I was a few days old.

Paddy asks, “Does it hurt?”

Mick says, ” Well, I couldn’t walk for about a year.”

Irish Confession

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again! For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Irish Door Lock

 Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the Casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!”

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching!”

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,…
But all men … Are men!

This Week’s Walmartian – St. Paddy’s Day Edition!

 Irish Donkey

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station.

The conversation went like this:

“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s
Catholic Church. There’s a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye
be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied:
“Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .

Father O’Malley then replied:
“Aye,’ tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

 Irish Eyes Are Smiling

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.

• An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?”
“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.

• Question – Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer – So the English can understand them.

• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”

“That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

• Irish lass customer: “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?”
Shopkeeper: “I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”

• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?”
“No,” said himself, “but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.”

• Finnegin: “My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.”
Keenan: “What on earth is she doin’ at that time?”
Finnegin: “Waitin’ for me to come home.”

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. “Quick!” he said. “Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!”

“Tell me, is this her first baby?” the intern asked.

“No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.”

• “O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife’s appearance?”
“It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”

• Did you hear about the Irish newly eds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

And now, in closing:

The Irish Tenors – When Irish Eyes Are Smiling