A bow of the bowler today to “B-Squared” for the lead item.
A Mitsubishi Eclipse – totaled …
• Groaner du Jour – a.k.a. “Skipisms”
This past week I made a few extra bucks selling bogus eclipse glasses.
But I’m not concerned.
Those people will never see me again.E
• Mexican Word of the Day
• A View of the Eclipse You May Have Missed
(Hat tip: Steven Hayward)
• Best • Eclipse • EVER
More Eclipse News You Can Use:
This Week’s Walmartian
The Walmart Car Show
Camping Out for the Eclipse
• Lawyer Joke du Jour
(The current series was contributed by “Dr. Mc”, whose father was lead counsel at the prestigious law firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.)
All read from book called “Disorder in Court” and are things people actually said, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the responsibility of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
• Snark du Jour
• The Friday Funnies Food and Nutrition Corner –
Cooking Tips From A Blonde Edition
• How Was Your Monday?
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
This appeared in the Rotherham Bugle on 7th Nov. 2016 – so hence the ‘language’ is a bit colourful. Well, that’s the plain speaking in Yorkshire – call a spade a spade, not a shovel.
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital – 2016-11-07
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion’s helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
… which brings us to …
• YJCMTSU – Religion of Peace Edition
And now, in closing, another one from the You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up File:
After this week, I needed a good laugh or two or three. And I could use a bottle of Tito’s.
I quit sunbathing at the beach. They kept trying to drag me back into the ocean.
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“I quit sunbathing at the beach. They kept trying to drag me back into the ocean.”