This St. Paddy’s Day Edition of The Friday Funnies is dedicated to our resident Irishman and Staff Neurologist, * “Dr. Mc”!
* The world’s only comic blog with a full time neurologist on staff!
In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.
The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader …
“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom
before you leave us.”
She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and
said: ” DON’T SELL THAT COW!”
… Which brings us to:
Mr. Murphy Gets A Ride Home
(With a tip o’th’ fedora to “B-Squared”.)
A man is having a few drinks at an Irish Pub when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out on the floor nearby.
The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr.Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home.
Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr.Murphy but Mr.Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr.Murphy to his feet and Mr.Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. “Jeez,” the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much.
He then takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys.
Mr.Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him.
He opens the passenger door and helps Mr.Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr.Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs.Murphy answers the door.
“Hi, Mrs.Murphy, Your husband had too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.”
“That was nice of you,” she says, looking around … “But where’s his wheelchair?!?!”
Now, “Dr. Mc” supplies us with this fine example of …
Apology from an Irish Hospital … SUCH COMPASSION
DEAR MR. MURPHY:
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness
on your penis showed it was not cancerous.
It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
In a related vein, “Joe P.” brings us this …
Irish Sick Note:
(Click to play – it’s worth it!)
Now, “Ol’ Petrol Head” brings us the tale of …
Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.
“First body,” says the coroner, “Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the smile,” says the Coroner.
“Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” he says.
The Police Inspector asked, ‘”So what about this third body?'”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why the broad grin, then?” inquires the Inspector.
“He thought he was having his picture taken!”
• Irish Baby – “We need to figure out how to put the beer in the boobs!”:
• Training for St. Paddy’s Day:
• Irish Trap:
Next up, “Ol’ Petrol Head” sends us these Irish anecdotes:
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says “Bejasus I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.”
The operator asks, “is it tickin?
Paddy says “No, oi tink it’s beef”
Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil…
Paddy says to Mick – I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks – So what are you going to do this year?.”
Paddy replies, – I’ll take her with me!”
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”
Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
• Wedded Bliss – Irish Style
• Blonde Joke du Jour, St. Paddy’s Day Edition
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded Finally, one of them asked,”What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching the dice.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men….are men.
We close this St. Paddy’s Day Edition of The Friday Funnies with:
…and remember – NOT everyone can be Irish tomorrow – somebody’d gotta drive!!!
(BUT it ain’t gonna be ME!!)
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… hee hee … That would explain that IV rack attached to your back with a bottle of Jameson’s in it …
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You HAD to mention that, eh?!! 🙂
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Your Grandmothers birthday is on the 17th. She would be 118.
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Thank you, Jerry! I had completely forgotten that!
To GP Cox – I sincerely apologize for blowing your cover on your Intervenous intake of Jameson’s …
But then it’s rather difficult to camouflage an IV rack … You do (ahem) stand out in the crowd …