Friday Funnies – Headlines of the Day

• Bad Ad Placement – All Time Grand Champion

Runner-up for Poor Editing Championship:

More noteworthy headlines:

… Also in need of editing:

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• Wedded Bliss

Pay Attention to the sign!

Handy Dandy Guide To Understanding
Women’s English

(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

1. Yes = No

2. No = No

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

… which brings us to …

• To Be Eight Again!

(Hat tip: “Joe P.”)

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again’?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you f#**%g! retard!!!!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!
… and that brings us to …

• WWLLTM

• Blonde Joke du Jour

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Ring bell for night watchman.”
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he snarled at the blonde, “what do you want?”

“I just want to know why you can’t ring the bell for yourself?”

… The Blonde Joke du Jour MUST be followed by the …

• Lawyer Joke du Jour

YOU KNOW YOU NEED A DIFFERENT LAWYER WHEN:

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Melaleuca.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
14. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.” 16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
17. He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”