The Friday Funnies – Dinner Party Edition

• The Dinner Party
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn’t seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.

All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old stared at me sitting across the table from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring at me. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much. I finally asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”Everyone at the table had also noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response . . . . .. . .

The little girl said “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish.”

… next up, the age-old question, revisited:

… you missed this in Chemistry class:

… this seems to be a good time for …
• Why Women Outlive Men, The Continuing Series
(Hat tip: “B-Squared”)

… not to be outdone by men doing dumb things, we have now our …
• Blonde Joke du Jour
(Hat tip: “A. Nonymous”)

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

… the Blonde Joke du Jour always leads to …
• The Lawyer Joke du Jour

This week’s edition is sponsored by:

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”

• Good Question!

… which connects us to …
• The Walmart Car Show!

• Banned From Walmart!
(Hat tip: “Cousin DR”)

June Woolf always sent her husband to Walmart to run errands, even though he hated going. One day, she received a peculiar letter from Walmart claiming that June’s husband was not welcomed back into the store.

This is what the letter said:

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15, 2014: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2, 2014: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7, 2014: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19, 2014: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4, 2014: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14, 2014: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15, 2014: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23, 2014: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4, 2014: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10, 2014: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3, 2014: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6, 2014: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18, 2014: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22, 2014: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. October 23, 2014: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 25, 2014: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

Regards,

Fred Richardson,
Walmart Store Manager

… speaking of Walmart …

… somehow, the above is a segue to …
• Why We Love Children
(Hat tip: “Ol’ Petrol Head”)

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.
‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.
‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later…..’Da-ad….’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’
‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later…….’Daaaa-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him
‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister
leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’
The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’
The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’
‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked ‘Yes,’ he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’
The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’
The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer..
She read, ‘… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’
She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’
Her mother replied, ‘No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

• Freaks of Fast Food – I Heart Taco Bell Edition